I've been having a battle of the mind the past few days. I didn't want to admit it to anyone. Why not? Don't know. Maybe because I'd look bad, or because I didn't know what others would think of me. Trying to protect my reputation? All of those reasons sound so silly now.
You see, from time to time I struggle with my thoughts. I can live in a fantasy world inside my own head -- making up stories -- all with happy endings. Unfortunately my stories aren't always so, so, mmmmmmm, how do I say this .................. my stories are not so pure. My thoughts would embarrass me if you knew about them. I don't want you to know about them. I'd rather you not even know I struggle with them.
But, I've come to realize anew that these thoughts are too powerful for me to battle on my own. I pray and try my best to control my thoughts. Trouble is I'm just not strong enough. My secret thoughts have too much power over me.
I have discovered a solution. It's simple really, doesn't require a lot of time or effort.
I just need to tell someone and ask them to pray for me. Simple, right?
Right. Somehow admitting my struggle out loud lessons its hold on me. And the power of prayer is incredible.
The only problem is the part about swallowing my pride, risking my reputation, and suffering a bit of embarrassment. Why is that so hard? Everyone already knows I'm less than perfect -- far from it. In fact, anything good you see in me is a gift from God. I claim no credit, take no glory.
Still, my inner self says keep quiet, while my spirit cries out for help. I am reminded of the scripture I keep running across -- Gal 5:17 For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want.
Anyone else struggle with this? Anyone else prone to keep secrets?
You're not alone. Me too.
Just glad God nudges and prods and won't leave me alone until I come clean once again. Coming clean sure feels good -- much better than keeping secrets.